Tattoo You!

A classic Stones album with classic album art.  I believe the whole album art concept has gone by the wayside unfortunately.  Witness Springsteen's new album cover....horrible!

Anyway I digress.

It's been a month and a half since the last post.  Lots has happened since I last posted.  In actuality, my last post came on what would be my last day of freedom.  Yes I was incarcerated once again.

Fortunately all legal troubles are now behind me and L and I are allowed to speak directly with each other.  Which brings me to the subject of this post.

When dropping off the kids last night I noticed L was sporting a tattoo (news to me).  While I don't mind this at all, in reality I think it looks kinda sexy, what bothers me about it is a)she probably told people that I would never let her get one (which isn't true) and b) how quickly influenced she is by her now live in boyfriend.

Seeing her tattoo yesterday made me realize, even more, that she's no longer the woman I knew and married and that she's no longer mine (though I did come to that realization earlier as well).

Well that's it for now....hopefully a post before Christmas.  If not....see you all further up down the road.

Here comes the Night

I think Van the Man said it best.  No further comment from me required.

See everyone further on up down the road.

JC

http://www/lyricsmode.com/lyrics/t/them/here_comes_the_night.html

Dream Baby Dream

When I first got separated and moved out of the house, I couldn't sleep.  It takes a while learning how to sleep by yourself again.  So dreaming obviously wasn't happening as I wasn't getting enough sleep to actually dream.

Now that some time has passed (I'm still not used to sleeping by myself btw), I am dreaming again.  I wish I wasn't though.  A lot of my dreams are still of L and the life I used to have that someone else is living.

I heard last night that L and her boyfriend had a "family" night out with the kids to go see High School Musical 3 last night.  Hard stuff to take, and there's not a damn thing I can do about it.

Am I ever going to come to terms with this?  I don't know.  So far there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

And all I have are my dreams....I wish I could go back to not sleeping.

See you all further on up down the road.

JC

Don't Talk About Yesterday

copyright Barney Bentall....

"I get a bit sentimental, right around closing time,

And I find myself on the phone, looking for a dime.

I know I shouldn't call her, but I don't really have a choice.

I'll use up all my dignity to hear that pretty voice.

"Well how ya doing darlin'? You know it's been a long time

You've been on my mind.  Do you miss me baby?"

Chorus

She said "Don't talk about yesterday,

don't tell me it was better back then.

Don't talk about the good old days.

It'll never be that way again."

She don't like to remember back when life was fun.

We'd go out dancin' and come home with the risin' sun.

And now she;s goin', she's goin' back to school.

She's got thee crazy drams, but this boy can't enjoy

being part of that scene.

So I told her "Darlin', you know it's been a mistake

for us to separate.  How I miss you baby."

Chorus

And now the band is playin' slow, I like to sing along.

It's that old George Jones tune, it used to be our favourite song.

Yeah I know...

Chorus

You know....I never really paid attention to songs before.  If it sounded good and I liked it, I just liked it for some reason.

For example....I never really knew what Bruce Springsteen's "I'm on Fire" was about until I heard a woman sing it.  All of a sudden I was like......."Woh!  I get it now!".....lol

So.....music obviously is a big part of my life.  Thing is though.....ever since the separation I barely listen to music anymore.

Weird thing because music usually is an escape for people.  For me it just reminds me of the hurt.  See above.

Anyway....hope to see you all further up down the road!

JC

I'm caught in a trap.....

We're caught in a trap

I can't walk out

Because I love you too much baby

Why can't you see

What you're doing to me

When you don't believe a word I say?

www.youtube.com/watch?v=xTYg2Q-vDJO&feature=related

....hmmmmm

looks like it's Ceasar's Palace.....where I proposed!

btw....this is back when Elvis was King!

a friend gave me the '68 comeback special as a birthday present this year.   His message to me was that they wrote Elvis off 40 years ago as well.....yet he managed a comeback.

I didn't have the heart to tell him but yeah....true enough...but he was dead in 9 years!

lol...

thanks....and always

See you all further up down the road!

JC

....hmmmmm

I wish I were blind...

So for those of you who haven't figured it out yet, I'm trying to be "creative" and use song titles or lyrics as titles to all of my posts. I'm not sure how long the creativity will last however so we'll see.

So where does this song title come from? For those of you who know me, you can take a wild guess. For those of you who don't, it's a Bruce Springsteen song title.

Here's the lyrics:
"I love to see the cottonwood blossom
In the early spring
I love to see the message of love
That the bluebird brings
But when I see you walkin' with him
Down along the strand
I wish I were blind
When I see you with your man

I love to see your hair shining
In the long summer's light
I love to watch the stars fill the sky
On a summer night
The music plays you take his hand
I watch how you touch him as you start to dance
And I wish I were blind
When I see you with your man

We struggle here but all our love's in vain
And these eyes that once filled me with your beauty
Now fill me with pain

And the light that once entered here
Is banished from me
And this darkness is all baby that my heart sees

And though the world is filled
With the grace and beauty of God's hand
Oh I wish I were blind
When I see you with your man"

Copyright © Bruce Springsteen (ASCAP)

Listen to a clip of the song here...http://www.sonymusic.com/clips/selection/30/BruceSpringsteen/IWishIWereBlind_100.asx

So....what's this all about then? Well Saturday morning I had to take my son to hockey tryout. L showed up part way through, or maybe she was there the entire time.....I'm not sure. Anyway, I noticed that her live-in boyfriend was with her.

It still kills me to see them together. It kills me to know that he's living in the house that L and I bought together and sleeping in what used to be "our" bed. I don't like it and I don't know if I'll ever be able to come to terms with it.

I could put on a brave face and say "well at least she's happy", but I am still too hurt for that. Am I being selfish.....maybe? There wasn't nor does there look like there will be any closure between L and I. From the start she never wanted to discuss the situation with me at all. Maybe that's part of my issue??

I hate the fact that L's boyrfriend will be influencing the kids and already has with the fact that he's into World of Warcraft and now has my oldest daughter playing it.

So it's been a year. When does this hurt end? Will I be on my deathbed still regretting everything?

In the meantime I am doing what I can to "move on". I've met some really wonderful girls along the way. People that I wouldn't have otherwise met. Still...."there's always something there to remind me...."

(maybe I'll save that song for another post)

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

See you all further up down the road.
JC

The Long and Winding Road

It is the eve of my ex-wedding anniversary.  This is the first year that I will be separated during my anniversary.  Yes it sucks but a good friend told me earlier today, tomorrow is just a day just like any other.  

13 years ago OJ was acquitted and a few days later I was married and jetting to a Hawaiian honeymoon.

13 years later OJ is convicted and I'm separated and living in my parent's basement.

The Long and Winding Road was the last song of the evening at our wedding.

How true it is!

Sorry I haven't blogged much.

See you all further up down the road!

JC

Life is a Highway...

First blog in a little bit.  Been busy at work.  Not sure if anyone reads this anyway but as I mentioned previously I'm doing this mostly for me anyway.

Tonight they're playing the last game in Yankee Stadium.  I guess in a way it's a metaphor for change.  It's inevitable.  Sometimes we may not like the change but we have no choice but to adapt to the change.  The only change we can influence is the change in ourselves.  We have no other control except for what we can directly control ourselves.

It has taken me a while to realize this and at times I still struggle with things.  There are days when I don't like the change that has occurred to my life over the past year or so.  I still believe there were a lot of things that could have worked out differently if people were willing to try.  

But life is a highway.  It is a journey.  Cliches maybe but it truly is the sum of all of our experiences that define us and how we choose to deal with the bumps in the road.  Life is too darn short to worry about it after all.

So for those of you who are reading this....thanks....and always see you further up down the road!

JC

Sunday, Bloody Sunday

First of all, thanks to the few of you who found your way here and have sent me a comment or a show of support.  It is appreciated.  For the most part, this blog will deal with separation and divorce, specifically what I've experienced or am experiencing but from time to time I may post on general type items or whatever might be floating around in my brain at any particular moment.  Music, movies, work....whatever.

It's Sunday and the kids have gone back to L's house now.  It's always a tough time of the weekend.  Fortunately I have a fairly liberal visitation schedule with the kids....every other weekend and every Tuesday and Thursday evenings.  Add in sporting events and fortunately I see the kids quite often.  It's a far cry from being with them all the time and living with them but at least I have that.

What I wonder sometimes is if I am compensating too much with the kids.  I've definitely spoiled them over the summer.  I guess the bonus is that I'm certainly spending more time with the kids than I ever have in the past.  I always thought I was a good dad however.  It is hard knowing that there is another male influence in their lives and that especially my youngest (2 1/2 years old) will have no memory of me ever being in the house.  It broke my heart the first time I heard him say L's boyfriend's name.  

I'm often asked "how are the kids doing?"  Quite frankly I'm not sure.  They seem to be adjusting alright.  Divorce is quite common these days unfortunately.  My oldest has inherited my trait for keeping things inside.  The youngest is oblivious to what the situation is and has a whole new reality to deal with.  The middle ones are the tough read.  My oldest son is a bit of a concern.  I know it's been hard on him.  I've always felt a special bond with all my kids and especially him.  I have to make sure to have some patience with him and talk to him as much as possible.

When I was at my lowest point this spring/early summer is was the thoughts of the kids that saved me.  I will be eternally grateful for their love.  I recently turned 40 and for my birthday they bought me a "Build A Bear" dressed in a Toronto Blue Jays outfit.  Nice!  They told me they put 4 hearts in it....one from each of them.  My kids are amazing.

That's it for now......see you all further up down the road.

JC

The First Post

Hi my name is Joe and welcome to my blog.  First a couple of things.  The blog is called the Divorced Dad Diary.  Technically I am not yet divorced but I am separated.  The "Separated Dad Blog" just didn't sound good.  Alliteration rules! Secondly I hope to enter something as often as I can but I doubt at this point it will be daily.  Who knows - we will see I guess.

I am not a writer at all.  What this will be is stream of consciousness type of writing.  Hopefully it will make sense.  I'm not going to spend a lot of time editing or thinking about what to blog about.  If I feel like saying something, I will come on and say it just as if I was having a conversation with you.

The purpose of this blog is to give me a place to air my thoughts as to what's going on with my life and in the process maybe help a few guys that are going through or have gone through the same kind of scenario.  It's not easy at all and we all need help from time to time whether or not we want to admit it.  Basically I am doing this for me.  If along the way, letting others know what I've gone through or am going through helps someone....then all the better!  Over the past year I've been down about as low as one can go and I know there's others that have been there too.  

I want to say a few words about what this blog will not be.  At no time will I use this forum to trash my ex nor will I tolerate any posts that do.  This is not the place for that....go somewhere else if that's what you're looking for.  I will not use her name but I will refer to her as "L".  I think it's only fair after all she is a person.  I will also try not to focus much on the past but it will be necessary from time to time as the past is what has gotten me to this point.  I'm trying to live in the now more and more.  This is a process!

Secondly if you contact me I will certainly try to contact you back but it may not be immediately.  I apologize in advance for that....I do have a very active life with 4 wonderful kids and a full time job that keeps me traveling across Canada quite frequently.

So hopefully you will find these posts interesting, entertaining, informative and helpful.  If you know of any other divorced or separated men who you might think could benefit from being here then invite them to take a look.

Thanks - and see you all further up down the road...

JC